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Christmas
Everyone knows the meaning of Christmas. During December you can't step three feet without seeing some Christmas special or, heaven help us, It's a Wonderful Life. But How'd it all start? Who decided that this guy's birth was important enough to warrant the biggest holiday of the Christian world?
It's funny you should ask that, since I was just about to explain. It's a Wonderful Historical Study.
Dr. Nickollez Fixes History
The story begins in 6042 AD (Or CE for you crazy people) when Dr. Louis Nickollez travels back in time to change the past. Of course, due to the strange and convoluted laws of temporal causality what he has done has already happened and he's only facilitating the past and completing a effect/cause relationship, but it's still important and stuff.
You see, they created this really incredible supercomputer called Smart Brick (By the time 6042 rolls around being "as dumb as a brick" is actually a compliment due to advances in intelligent homes) to predict the future. They fed it all the information about the start of the universe, told it all the laws of physics, and let it run a simulation of history. It all ran perfectly until it said that the earth was carried on the back of a giant turtle named Hitler. After a few hundred years of hand-checking all the computer's logic they realized that according to the laws of physics and the fundamental nature of the universe the earth should really be carried on the back of an enormous turtle named Hitler.
Being scientists, they checked a few satellite photos of the planet to ensure that they weren't just wrong all these years, then they surmised that in fact something completely unnatural and physics-defying must have happened in the past to keep the Earth from being carried on the back of a ginormous turtle named Hitler. So they went back to Smart Brick and asked it if it could figure out what could have made the earth merely an enormous ball of dirt and life hurtling through the vastness of space. After some hefty thought, it decided that if these three Italian girls had married their true loves instead of becoming old maids, the proper changes would have happened and the earth would be the way it was.
So the scientists dismantled Smart Brick and checked each and every boolean gate in its massive processing brick to find out where the problem was. To their dismay, everything checked out perfectly. They even asked several dumber but still massively intelligent bricks if Smart Brick was "loony". They said he seemed to be pretty normal after several hundred virtual years of electronic therapy. The scientists then checked their records and found out that these three girls really had married the loves of their lives and there didn't seem to be any problem. So here was the problem. Something happened in the past to make the earth a normal place, but computer models said that there was no possible way this thing actually happened.
Taking Gerald's Last Theorem (After ruling out the possible, whatever remains, no matter how impossible must be the truth) to heart, they decided that time travel was the only answer. So, Dr. Bobby Nickollez built a time machine to go fulfill history. He and a crack team of power armor wearing lightning troopers traveled back in time with a few sacks full of synthetic gold to correct the problem. Sure enough, it turns out that each girl would love to marry the love of their life, but their family was too poor to pay the dowry. Dr. Bobby Nickollez wasn't too much of a people person, so rather than give them the money he'd huck into into each girl's window along with a little note saying "Here's a present from the Brick, love Dr. Nickollez". Each girl got to marry the love of their life, and "Dr. Nickollez" was quickly corrupted into "St. Legolas" and, eventually, "St. Nickolas".
Dr. Nickollez and his crack squad of armored troopers returned to the 61st century secure in the knowledge that they were not in fact on the back of an enormous turtle named Hitler. Smart Brick was able to add this occurrence to its simulation of the universe and was as smug as a computer can get when it predicted that the entire planet would be eaten by a mutant star goat, which it soon was.
Christmas and the Mafia
But the story does not stop here. How could it, when "St. Nickolas" was only a name and not a holiday? Well, you see the father of the three girls was quite intrigued by this \"Brick\" person and decided that he would use it as his nickname from now on. So Jimmy "The Brick" Carlotoni became the first mobster in history and discovered the key to becoming a rich and wealthy man was actually twofold instead of onefold. He not only had to completely ignore all government and law, but he also had to have a really cool nickname. His right-hand man, Bobby Vincentino decided to take a page from the same note and called himself "St. Nickolas". And believe me, when he came to town, you'd better watch out, because he might have a present for you that probably included a crossbow bolt in the head and several missing organs. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he'd just as soon slit your throat than look at you. Eventually he died, and the people rejoiced. They laughed and danced and covered a poor unsuspecting pine tree in pig organs to symbolize the fate of many of his victims. They'd give each other presents that didn't involve death and dismemberment and would often sing carols.
So pretty much everything falls into place, except for one thing. St. Nickolas didn't die on December 25th, but in fact on August 18th. This was corrected by President Harry S. Truman, who figured that winter was a very long and boring time. In a shocking move that really screwed the poor Australians, he moved St. Nickolas Is Dead Day to December 25th, which happened to coincide nicely with Jesus Christ Got Born Day which was generally just celebrated with a feast, just like every other church-related holiday. So the two holidays became one and the laughing jolly face of Santa Claus got red because of frostbite instead.
There you have it, the completely made up but superior meaning of Christmas.