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From time immemorial, there have been hints and rumors of the vast secret societies that covertly control the worlds governments, specifically limiting the flow of information and discreetly directing the course of human development across time. Through the use of armed men in suits these societies maintain their strict control over the world they have created.

Although these societies range in scope and depth, they are all under the dominating thumb of that greatest of societies, the Illuminati. Also known as the firebringers, the Illuminati came into existence when a group of intrepid cave dwellers discovered how to harness the power of the flame, forever putting them in control over the development of the human race.

Within the Illuminati there are multiple branches, most easily understood by looking into the inner workings of American society, as the United States is most fully under the thumb of the Illuminati at this time. Contents

Vast Conspiracies

All of these secret organizations that rule the world are big enough to be considered “Vast.” They generally deal with the influence government has on culture, and are therefore crazy boring. Current claims state that their power was gained in the same way that the gold standard was abandoned: because we are awesome.

So who are these vast conspiracy society things? Well...

Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

These monsters can be summed up in two words: Kleptocratic oligarchs! It is unclear if the Right Wing Conspiracy exists for any purpose other than to further enrich the already rich. Social issues are used as props to foment hate and distrust between ordinary folks like you, which makes it much easier to stick their hands in your pockets.

Details of the Right Wing Conspiracy

• Responsible for the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, a President of the United States
• Primary goals include removal of government regulation, enrichment of the upper class, and low taxes

Vast Left Wing Conspiracy

• These monsters can be summed up in two words: Coastal Elites! Out-of-touch professors and journalists who think they're so clever just because they're smart. If they're so smart why aren't they rich? And if they are rich, why aren't they conservative? You don't stay rich by claiming to love the little guys so what gives?

Details of the Left Wing Conspiracy

• Responsible for the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States
• Primary goals include annoying government regulations, expansion of social programs, and high taxes

Vast Centrist Conspiracy

The only Vast-rank conspiracy without wings, flightless like the penguin, this conspiracy is mainly found in the Antarctic circle. They use their flipper like appendages to swim, unlike their flying cousins further north. Their diet consists of fish and their plumage looks like a little tuxedo. Both the father and the mother take care of the eggs.

Details of the Centrist Conspiracy

• This conspiracy is the true agenda of the Illuminati, pitting left against right to maintain a constant balance.
• There is evidence that this group is behind Star Wars, and that George Lucas is a founding member.
• Centrists have no official stance on anything. Except for fences, which they straddle on a regular basis.

Media Groups that Rule the World

If you control the media, you control what the hapless world hears. As such, there are two media societies struggling for dominance. Bless their little hearts, they're trying so hard.

Liberal Media

Consists mostly of extremely condescending podcasters who post exclusively to BlueSky. They say things like "The people in charge are ruining everything" and "billionaires are proof that the system is broken." Everything they say is true, but that doesn't make it any less annoying. And they are saying it on a platform built by billionaires, just because those billionaires have convinced everyone that there's nowhere else to go.

Here is where I point out that I am saying this on a platform owned by no billionaires, millionaires, or even thousandaires. This makes me, a humble hundredaire, even more insufferable than the worst podcaster.

Conservative Media

Turn on your TV. No, stop, don't start Netflix. I know the muscle memory is strong. Instead, switch to "Antenna" and tune in to what passes for local news these days. Pretty terrible, huh? People watch this. Every day. I don't know how they do it.

Also, there's a disturbing number of "influencers" which are basically like if a corporation was a human being. They amass huge followings by offering advice like "The best way to get a woman to like you is to hate them utterly with your whole heart." Then they sell you something that is supposed to fix all the new problems you have but never does. Somehow, this is what media is now.

Centrist Media

It is often said that "Reality has a liberal bias." In order to combat that bias, and thus reality itself, media outlets like CNN and The New York Times feel it is necessary to promote conservative viewpoints like "Immigrants are poisoning the blood of America" and "Maybe it won't be so bad after everything is ruined forever." This bold stance against objective reality is called "centrism" and it is just as natural and comfortable as the proverbial fence it is sitting on.

Other World Ruling Societies

We don’t like to limit ourselves to tired old political comparisons, so here are several other Secret Organizations that rule the world for your fearing and obeying enjoyment. Remember to wear a tinfoil hat, as that’s the only way to block out their mind reading waves. Keep in mind that despite their lack of political agendas, they are still quite lethal and most likely deeply involved in your personal life.

Fight Club

The first rule of Fight Club is... oh, crap. Never mind. I will instead refer you to Chuck Pahlaniuk, the creator of this evil phenomenon. Unwittingly, in the creation of the film, based on Chuck's work, two actors who are deeply involved in this organization were selected: Matt Damon and Edward Norton.

Nerds

We refer not to the loser down the street who is unable to speak to girls. We speak more of the Bill Gates variety of nerd. The kind who use a supercomputer at the Earth’s Core to control the very universe itself. The Microsoft corporation is a thinly-veiled cover for the Illuminati's plans to dominate the world by technological means. The creation of the internet in the mid 1700s was pinned on one former Vice-President. Bill Gates, a high master of the organization has been in charge of the project since the mid-70s.

Tab Soda

Ever wonder what happened to this old brand, seen in the occasional 70’s movie or “Harvey Birdman” episode. Old labels don’t die, they buy island lairs in the middle of the pacific and subtly control world politics. You ask how powerful they are? Well, remember that time David Copperfield made the statue of liberty disappear?

That was them.

The Freemasons

Also referred to as the Joy Luck Club, these men are those who have brainwashed by the Illuminati. They are subtly convinced, as they progress through the degrees of their society, that they have actual control over the world around them. In fact, the Illuminati uses the Mason organization as an experiment. The intent in the future is to use the society as a means of 'reconditioning' those who speak out against them. This project was put in place when Pope Benedict X formally requested that the Illuminati seek out non-violent ways to silence their opponents.

Manifesta Sola

There is a secret so deep, so large, so intense that it has been the goal of the Illuminati to protect it since the beginning of time. In fact, the truth of the matter is so controversial that those who discover it are forced to conceal their knowledge of it for all time, or risk removal from society.

A ploy by the Illuminati to cast doubt on the secret has nearly succeeded, and the author of the work has been promoted to the inner ranks. Those who fear for their lives or feel they cannot be trusted with this information should leave immediately. …

Everybody gone. Okay then? The final group, the true masters of the Illuminati.

Women

You know it’s true. Don’t believe me? That’s okay, I have proof. The ultimate secret is that it was a woman who initially discovered the power to harness fire. She brought a fresh fruit pie (believed to made from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil) to the men of her cave, and they have been her boundless slaves since that time.

Be afraid, my brothers. Be very, very afraid.

WIP