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In the greater downtown sub-region, there is a bodega. In the back of this bodega, there is a nondescript door and a knife. If you knock on the door in the right sequence it will open, revealing a dark staircase. Don't pick up the knife. Go down the stairs.

In the basement of the bodega is a beautiful woman chained to the wall. Ignore her, we're doing something different. Yes I know she is trying to talk to you. Go to the wall to her left and look for a loose cobblestone. Behind it is a switch. Flip the switch and another hidden door will open.

Leave the pleading woman behind and go through this door. You are now in the Humidor of the Ancients. The floor is a thick plush velvet. The walls are lined with glass cases full with their display of exotic cylinders. The ceiling and the walls otherwise are lined with dark mahogany panels. The only light comes from inside the glass cases, but you can make out thick plush chairs arranged in the dim center of the room. A thick haze of smoke from every variety of leaf wafts along the ceiling, but a powerful enchantment will suppress you body's urge to cough.

A man with one large gold earring and the most amazing beard you will ever see will greet you warmly. Don't ask him about the woman outside, he doesn't know anything about her.

"Hello my friend," he will say, "Are you here to partake in Copronis, the forbidden cigar?"

"Yes," you will respond. For what other reason could you have come here? No one may enter the Humidor of the Ancients and leave unchanged. "Please sir," you will plead, "Guide me to my prize."

He will lead you to the back of the room, where there is a glass case large enough to step inside. This inner sanctum is lined with their finest offerings, but your prize is at the center. It sits alone and unique, as it does for every visitor.

"Have you ever heard of Kopi luwak?" the man will ask. Of course you have, but you will let him explain anyway. "A small creature known as the Toddy Cat eats some gross stuff and then people cook its poop and grind it up and flavor water with it."

"That sounds disgusting." you will say.

"Oh yeah it's gross as hell. I mean, it tastes fine, almost entirely unlike cooked poop water, but imagine being the first guy to try doing it."

"So weird," you will agree.

"Anyway," he will say, "We do that but with tobacco."

"You feed tobacco to a civet?" you will ask hesitantly.

"Oh no, that kills 'em straight away. Tobacco leaves are full of all kinds of good toxins," he will say, "We feed them to an Error."

"Oh," you will say, "I kill those things all the time. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," he will say, "They're nasty little creatures, I wouldn't mourn their loss. But they're carnivores with no stomach for toxic leaves, so tobacco just goes straight through them. Basically unchanged."

"So," you will ask, dreading the answer, "Why bother with all this, then?"

"Boredom, mostly," he will admit, "I tried feeding tobacco to all sorts of other animals first, but every other one I tried keeled over lickety split."

"Okay whatever just give me the Copronis." you will say.

He will gently lifts his prized cylinder for your inspection. You wonder about his claim that the Error's digestive system has little effect on the tobacco. This cigar is lumpy and sigmoidal in a way quite unlike most high-end cigars.

"I know what you're thinking," he will say, "and no. I roll them myself and I'm just really bad at it. I'm a tobacconist, not a torcedor."

You will nod approvingly, and then cut the end off the tur--uh, the cigar. You will raise it to your lips. He will produce a vintage lighter that takes five distinct motions to light, and you will puff your prize to ignition.

You will not be able to place the taste at first, so profoundly unique it will be. He will note your expression and nod approvingly. You will not consume any more of the Copronis. One taste is enough to satisfy any connoisseur.

You will pay the customary price for this service, and then depart. You will find the exit to the store takes you onto the concourse of a dead mall. The door behind you will be set in a temporary wall, and locked.

Some time later you will finally come to a satisfying description of the taste: like a burning water treatment plant.

Sometime later you reflect on this whole experience and decide you can't let this be the stupidest thing you ever did. Surely you can come up with something even worse.

Level2 Choice Nexus