The Book of Pointless

The Book of Pointless started life in the late 1990s as a text document hammered out between two teenage friends with more time than sense. One of the two took this document home on a floppy disk and posted it to their first website, where it garnered a small amount of interest among other similarly senseless people. This inspired that young webmaster to expand the idea. Not just a book of silly ideas, but an entire encyclopedia of silly articles.

A few years later, at the height of that first iteration of the Encyclopedia of Pointless, the Book of Pointless was made into an interactive feature. Fellow weirdos could add to it as they saw fit, and so they did, expanding it greatly from that earlier text document. What follows is the final product of that collaboration.

Bad Hero/Villain ideas

Slow Moving Man
The Tattletale
The Invincible Kneecap
Milk Man
Disrespectful Boy
Can Jump Higher Man
The Fabulous Fairy
Ceiling Fan Man
Fuzzy the Wonder-dog
Ladies' Man
A big guy that grabs people's feet.

Bad Jobs

Roller Coaster puke cleaner.
Belly Cheese Maker
Firing squad tester.
Road licker.
Pizza wetter.
Moistener
Beehive wiper.
Feline sniffer.
Car crash dummy.
Writer of Pointless books.
Photo lab drone

Bad Pets

Rocks
Your belly cheese
Your next door neighbor
Your teacher
A chair
A Christmas tree
Pillows
Garbage bags
Markers
Paper airplanes
A child made out of flour
Your only pencil

Christmas Tree Decorations that Never Made It

Butter
Belly Cheese
Very small rocks
Rubber Chickens
Mud
Watermelons
Computer disks
Key rings
Hot dogs
Cat Hair
That terrorist playing card deck
Torsos

Countries not recognized by the United Nations

Mommytopia
Disneyland
Terroristan
The United States of Utah
Girlia
Toejamaca
The USSA
The Mushroom Kingdom
Stupidia

Date Tips

Don't ask if your date has belly cheese, and if you can use it.
Don't pass gas frequently, especially on the goodbye kiss.
Never try to impress your date buy showing him/her the twenty pennies you can stick up your nose, especially if you plan on using them to tip the waiter.
I can guarantee your date will not want to see your M&M collection.
Chuck E. Cheese's is NOT considered fine dining.
Don't consider school a date, not even if you bring flowers and candy in class.
Don't make any sort of abnormal sounds at the table (Wet sneezes, loud hisses, and extraordinarily loud burps).
If you're going to break up with your date, make sure your new object of affection isn't around. Especially if it's your date's twin.
Don't drive like James Bond, especially when it is your date's father's car.
Always make sure that you don't have any belly cheese before the date.
No matter how tempted, don't say out loud how much your date resembles your mother.
A girl should be like a good hammer. She should be the right weight, be comfortable to hold, be helpful when you need something done, and when her head falls off you get a new one.
Rousing duets of "Great Green Gobs of Greasy, Grimy, Gopher Guts" are not romantic.
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
When you want to make a good first impression, don't use "If I were a moose and you were a duck and we had a child, it would be a Moose-duck. It would go 'MWACK!'" as your pick-up line.
There should never be any point on the date where you have to say, "So I'm a masochist on a diet, am I?"
Girls always fall for those gay men. Try that strategy.

Fighting Rules

Don't try to stab a guy with a rubber chicken.
Don't use the excuse "I have to go and get my toe hair pulled."
Don't try to scare him/her with your belly cheese.
Never taunt your opponent into hitting you for no good reason.
Don't toss mud at the guy, logs might work, however.
Don't sic your little brother on him.
Never ask your opponent to go out to dinner with you after the fight.
Don't tell him that you are the sun god Ra and that you will burn him if he touches you.
Never say that you have super powers and if he hits you will turn him into a cheerleader.

Little-known Phobias

Bellycheeseophobia - Fear of Turkeys.
Phobiaphobia - Fear of fearing.
Againagainophobia - fear of Teletubbies.
TYophobia - Fear of beanie babies.
*Bzzzap*ophobia - Fear of becoming drunk and relieving oneself on the middle rail of a train track.
Turkeyophobia - Fear of belly cheese.
Buggerophobia - Fear of British slang.
Mr.Bigglesworthophobia - Fear of naked cats
Dearjohnophobia - Fear of Toilets
Minimeophobia - Fear that someone will make a tiny clone of you to terrorize your cats.

Pointless Facts

It's not easy to take over the world with a cucumber.
Whenever you are walking on a turtle, wear a helmet.
Trees are not food.
Swimming in a pool is good exercise; swimming in Jell-O is tasty.
When someone is drowning, don't give him or her French fries.
No matter what people tell you, you are NOT a cream puff.
When In doubt, shave the cat.
Smoking is hazardous to your health, and so are anvils.
If you want to call a Ring-tailed Lemur, don't just say, "HEY LEMUR!"
Don't eat the family pet.
If you are faced by a stampede of elephants, try not to look like a peanut.
Logs are our friends.
Don't pick a fight with a sweater.
Even if a person is named Fudge, they still won't taste good.
When in a pig calling contest, It doesn't help to bring a phone.
Not everyone likes mud the way you do. Don't put it on other people's plates.
Don't take other people's belly cheese, especially when they are fond of it.
Cats don't need watering.
People have no use for Pizza shavers.
If you need help, don't ask your Hobo.
Don't go to school for the sole purpose of making fish.
Don't give Dogs fleas, and vice-versa.
"Road kill" Is a bad name for a Hamster.
Don't sit up all night at a sleepover saying "My dog died" when he didn't.
Going to the bathroom is not good in a car.
Fish don't need toothpaste.
You don't need a wheel to find a dog.
If you have a pet alligator, don't call him "Mr. Suitcase".
It is not necessary to be friendly to soup.
Belly cheese won't kill you in your sleep.
Fire Hydrants make good pets.
When you go rock hunting, don't bring a gun.
The Internet is not a toy. It's not a plushy either.
When in Rome, speak Italian.
Not everyone needs a car baker.
Never trust anyone that wants to kill your asparagus.
You cannot grow belly cheese on mars.
No matter what people say, there isn't a planet called "lunch".
It is impossible to be strangled by a book.
Jumping off of roofs is a great way to start the day.
Cats will never live in a beach ball.
When a guy asks for your wallet, don't give him your potato.
Cats need love, cabinets don't.
Greeting someone by eating his or her hat is FUN.
A carrot is not a good weapon.
Cows will never need a towel.
When you're swimming, don't carry an extension cord.
It is unlikely you ever will get the Moon's autograph.
No matter how appealing it may be, don't dance with a tree.
Pointlessness is tasty.
No matter how interesting, people will never want to see your pizza cutter.
When going on your first date, don't give the girl a bouquet of salami.
Belly Cheese Pizza will simply never catch on.
One can never have too much gas.
Toads will never hurt you.
The government never wanted to take your bookmark.
Eating forks does not help you grow hair.
Do not stuff turkey with marshmallows.
Paper plates make good boats.
Don't play baseball in restaurants.
Chickens don't need hockey pucks.
Squirrels don't want you to go to the zoo and free the kangaroos.
That tree isn't trying to kill you.
Cow licking is a GREAT way of getting exercise, and very tasty.
Rocks do not thirst.
Cheese is the world's greatest resource.
Logs have never and will never be a good source of protein.
Belly cheese cannot grow and take over the world.
Catsup is not a viable means of transportation.
Tofu has no teeth to bite.
That tree isn't trying to kill your belly cheese, either.
You don't impress your new teacher by saying, "You're a pretty, pretty teacher, yes you are."
Puppet shows are nothing but people with cloth on their hands, not evil space aliens planning a world-takeover.
"Why I like Skinned Knees" ISN'T a good name for a book.
Pointlessness won't entertain belly cheese.
Fortune cookies aren't really alive, unless they're very, very old.
"Free puppies" usually means they want someone to help the puppies escape.
Many people are entertained by gerbils.
Don't tell a lie, unless the squid men want you to.
Fish-shaped suitcases are ALWAYS funny.
People would feel differently about cutting down trees if they always screamed for no good reason.
Putting your hamster in the microwave won't teach it French.
Rocks don't care about people. You'll have to do it yourself.
Always go to limbo over picking the umbrella.
I doubt you will ever lay eggs.
"Going to see the wizard" won't get out out of Spanish class.
Girls don't like being called Vulcans.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy submarines.
If you don't know what it is, it's a good idea not to touch it. But that's no fun.
It's a safe bet that when you're trapped on a desert island, you don't want to see how far you can throw all the useful stuff into the active volcano.
It's your own fault when the potatoes suck your blood.
Maybe if you stopped hanging out at Chuck E. Cheese's you could have a real girlfriend.
Asking me for "Blazing saddles" will probably result in a lot of frightened horses.
Just because it has "Made In China" on it doesn't mean they used it to escape to America.
When you're mad at someone, you give them "A piece of your mind." NOT "Peace of mind".
Don't show them any pithy.
Aliens exist, but only in the minds of the people who claim to have been abducted.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages, but if you play it forwards it installs Windows.
A male flasher is a criminal, but a female one is a tourist attraction.
Alcohol: The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
Always treat a sack of flour like a real child.
An enemy is just a friend who is trying to kill you.
C: A language combining the flexibility of assembly with the power of assembly.
Computers are Satan's progeny, avoid them at all costs.
Do not kiss a gift horse on the mouth.
Don't call it "Marriage" call it "Patience". It's less misleading.
Don't invent things that have already been thought of.
Even though it makes sense, Guybrush Threepwood is not a software pirate.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
In an infinite universe, everything that can happen will happen.
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it may seem at first.
Marriage is an institution to be endured.
Nobody writes jokes in base 13.
Strawberry Pop Tarts may be a cheap and inexpensive source of incendiary devices.
The road to Hell is paved with the souls of the innocent.
The trouble with troubleshooting is that trouble sometimes shoots back.
Tupperware tubs have poor aerodynamics.
Unless you want a world where Keanu Reeves obtains GODLIKE POWER the Laws of Robotics are a good thing.
Garbage is not recommended for oral consumption.

Rejected Movie Titles

"Mulan 2: We Just Don't Care About The Chinese People's Legends."
Sequel 4: Revenging Return of the Son of a True Story.
"The Land Before Time XIX: Littlefoot V.S. The Meteor"
"The Blair Witch Project 3D"
"Titanic II: Jack Undead"
"Fantasia 2000: Judgment Day"
"Mickey Mouse and Sylvester the Cat in: Warner Brothers Rules!"
"The Rescuers Up Yours"
"Silence of the Lambs 2: It Turns Out People Are Really High in Fat"
"Annalize This"
"Sinbad the Sailor 2: Sinbad and the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything"
"The Day the Sky Wore Plaid"

Signs that You are Not Normal

You start each morning with a rousing game of gin rummy.
You get up on the wrong side of the bed... the bottom side.
At some point in your life you've eaten a Belly Cheese sandwich.
You were schooled for 13 years... all the same grade.
You have regular conversations with a tree on the other side of the lawn.
Your meals consist of Star Trek, in various forms.
You are an avid collector of water
You get exited about waking up in the middle of the night.
Your favorite pastime is making homemade cheese.
When you were born, they threw away the mold! ...and some of it grew back...
You wrote a Hymn titled, "Oh my God, its Full of Stars."
You think "The Incomprehensible / Strategy + Creativity = Digital Perception" makes sense.
You have a sign on the wall saying "There is no place like 127.0.0.1"

Things not to Hear during Surgery

"Cleanup in OR 3. Cleanup in OR 3"
"Gee, I've never see THAT before..."
"I really hope my malpractice insurance covers that..."
"Heh, look what happens when I poke his heart!"
"whoops, well, that's the end of THAT organ..."
"Hey, where's the thymus? SOMEONE FIND THE THYMUS!"
"Clamp?" "Clamp." "Sponge?" "Sponge.""Sandwich?" "sandwich."
"Hey! That looks like Elvis! Someone get a camera, quick!"
"Nurse, get that one sharp pokey-thing so we can cut the hole in him."
"We're out of anesthetic? Well, I guess We'll do this the old-fashioned way."

Things that Make Me Happy

Going to Wal*Mart and tricking the old people into thinking I'm a superhero.
Finally getting out that big clump of belly cheese that's been bugging you for days
Waking up in the middle of the night.
Hearing people release farts measurable on the Richter scale while accepting an oscar.
Antidisestablishmentarianism.
When weird Grandpa Joe talks to me from the hole in the floor.
Zoloft (The one with Strong Sad's decapitated head)
Pauly Shore's timely demise. Wait, you're not supposed to know that yet.
"You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around-Woah! AUGH OW OW WAUGH OW OW ROCK OW OW TREE OW OW AUGH ANGRY BEAR HELP AUUUUUUAGH!!!!"
Any practical joke that involves the antagonist saying "I'm looking for a Lou Peeker. Are there any Lou Peekers here?"
Opening a newspaper machines, taking out all the papers, and leaving them on top of the box.

Things to do in Wal*Mart

Work at the One Hour Photo Counter (Ha ha Matt!)
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Get people to bet on the battle described above.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Things You Never Say to a Police Officer

"If you give me a ticket, I'll turn you into a cheerleader!"
"Officer, *I* am your father!"
"Why, when I was a child I walked in a straight line like this for six miles barefoot in the snow! Uphill both ways!"
"Tell the voices to go away, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE TELL THE VOICES TO GO AWAY!"
"But my belt buckle IS my identification!"
"I'm sorry, I don't have my license because I'm not wearing any pants."
"You don't need to see my identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along."
"Well, your eyes are a little glazed, officer, have you been eating doughnuts?"
"BOW BEFORE THE GREAT GLOWING HAMSTER, SIR!"
"If you call this a straight line maybe you should be the one taking the test!"
"Big Brother is watching you."

Unfortunate Fortunes

A bird in the hand is worth a thousand words.
"Impossible" is a mistake. It's actually supposed to be "I'm possible."
A bird up the nose is worth practically nothing in the bush.
A genius in the hand will bite you.
A hairy neck brings good fortune but little love.
A man with belly cheese in the wrong place is not to be trusted.
A man's home is a house.
A penny saved only adds weight.
A picture is worth two in the bush.
A pool and your money are soon joined.
A stomach full of digested rats means good fortune in your future.
A winner is you.
A winner never quits, a quitter never wins, and those in between are in trouble.
A wise man always has two wives.
All your base are belong to us!
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "The Truck!"
Ask again later.
Beware the day the chalk strikes 13.
Beware the man with Belly cheese in his hair.
DON'T EAT ME!! AUGGHH!!!!!
Hace viento.
He who drinks his coffee black has a name.
He who hesitates pees outside.
He who hesitates is probably in the wrong line.
He who lives in glass house should dress in basement.
He who stands on toilet is high on pot.
It's always in the last place you look.
One man's meat is another man's loincloth.
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by attacking back.
Sometimes kneeling and punching will get things moving.
The early bird gets nothing, because the worm isn't awake yet.
There's love in your future... or past.
You will be the best.
You're as stimulating as a lionfish in a kiddy pool.
Your life will be met with success and failure.
The best gifts are those we give ourselves.
Life's a lot easier once you accept that you're not going to amount to anything.

Unmentionables

"DON'T EAT THE STINKY CHEESE!"
"Hey, want to go to the Girl's locker room and play Poker?"
"How come the printer is foaming out moldy cheese?"
"Oh, look what the little monkey left in my shoe."
"Hey, I am not a drinking fountain!"
"SPOO!!!"
"Get away from my belly cheese!"
"Disc men do not make good toilet seats, so don't go in there!"
"Hey! those moldy hot dogs are mine!"
"Why is that M&M throwing a baseball at me?"
"Why is there liquid hotdogs in the refrigerator?"
"There no place like the outhouse, after Uncle Bill went in it!"
"Pudding baths aren't good for your skin, so put all those boxes back!"
"Get your dog away from my jellyfish!"
"Get that tree trunk out of your nose."
"I like to sniff moldy cheese, at night, with my dog, while playing Clue."
"Why is there a comet laughing at my cat."
"My belly button isn't a toilet, so get off me."
"Get those earphones off my fish!"
"Stop chopping that Christmas tree with my butcher knife, it's July anyway!"
"I wonder why the United States is glowing?"
"Bow before the great glowing hamster, fool!"
"You shouldn't play basketball in your underwear, it would be to small for enough people to fit in it anyway."
"Will you stop licking my pet rock?"
"That's my toothbrush, not a lawn mower."
"Your ear wax collection is NO place for a bumblebee."
"Get that Christmas ornament out of your nose."
"Stop plugging your earphones into my gerbil."
"Your pet rock just went through my sleeve."
"I hate it when squirrels fall through my roof."
"Stop flicking semis at me."
"That kangaroo ate my boxers."
"You cannot use a mouse your cat found for your computer, Billy."
"I just saw a yellow flying cow pile."
"I wish they'd stop dumping toxic waste into my hot tub."
"Stop flicking your mouse."
"You're a pretty pretty teacher, yes you are, OH yes you are!"
"You might want to delete my eye infection."
"What? You flicked your mouse again!?!"
"You got to stop letting your computer decorate the Christmas tree."
"Stop making disgusting noises with my pump and parts of your body."
"Boogers do not make good floppy disks, they don't make good ropes either."
"Telephone wires don't make good trampolines, so get off that pole."
"Make your legs stop whining."
"Chairs don't make good roller coasters, unless you fall backwards in them."
"Parachutes are not to be used as swimming pools, so stop bothering me."
"Flags don't make good shopping carts, so put it back or the manager will get mad."
"Stop trying to pump you nose up with that thing."
"Stop trying to pump my mud man up."
"That is not what a pump is for, Jimbo."
"Why do people keep thinking my hair is a muskrat nest?"
"BOOGLE MOO!"
"Captain! Those aren't your Tribbles!"
"Since when do monkeys get all the presents?"
"Haha! My grandma sure is funny when she falls down the stairs!"
"Gosh darn it, when I say 'Stop stealing my organs', I really mean it!"
"Your farts sound like an annoying little dog."
"I'm a Danish! Eat me!"
"Go away, you Bearded Mexican!"
"I spent my entire freshman year chasing an invisible flying hot dog!!!"
"What did you say? I was in limbo."
"That's one small step for man, and I'm gay."
"I tried to give him mouth to mouth, but he kept on getting up and walking away!"
"That reminds me of a stomach full of digested rats!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but my nasal cavity is simply out of control today."
"Ahoy! My bathtub is on seventeenth avenue!"
"Which way to the Omega Flare?"
"My pride isn't just a bunch of silly lions in Africa, you know!"
"Dance with me! Dance, my pretty pretty mud pile!"
"Well how was I supposed to know she was going to catch fire like that?"
"I can't believe you forgot to pick up some Toe Crispies at the store."
"Well, at least when the Earth explodes it'll solve that Martian problem."
"I can't help the fact that when women see me the dance the funky chicken!"
"It'll be purple and orange and have thirteen tentacles that it uses to crush it's enemies. Oh yes, and choosing it gives you an ear infection."
"After this whole Jay Leno/Pauly Shore/Mud wrestling crisis is over, I expect you all to return to your boxes, you hear?"
"The fact that you have gained incredible powers over space and time does not mean you can take that tone of voice with me, young man!"
"I have not seen such acts of villainy since the time your little brother got out."
"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
"I gotta go fluff the Garfield."
"Don't forget a small part in 'Brazil'."
"I've got one heck of a case of the Fecal Greaseballs."
"Fish heads fish heads rolly polly fish heads fish heads fish heads eat them up, yum!"
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
"Heroin is my Anti-Drug. ...Er, never mind."
"The ceiling tiles will be with you. Always."
"All your base are belong to us"
"Three liters of water is a worthy substitute for sunlight."
"Trigonometrically speaking, you're an idiot."

Unpopular Books

Mr. Log and his smelly adventures.
Pasty White and the Seven Linux Servers
Septic Tank Cleaning For Dummies
Belly Cheese and you.
How to smell dog breath.
How to inflate your cat, and why.
Fifty best pictures of fire hydrants.
How to take pictures of key rings.
How to turn your computer on.
Why pizza makes good wallpaper.
How to stack folders.
How to avoid tree trunks.
The Meaning of Life: My Day With an Infinite Number of Monkeys.
Life Doesn't Have to be Rocket Surgery!
Insomniaing Your Way to Happiness

World Records Nobody Wants To Break

Largest piece of belly cheese
Wettest Sneeze
Longest loose clothes string.
Longest amount of detention spent in a year.
Longest time spent in a mall staring at passerby's.
Highest skydive without a parachute.
Largest amount of bee stings on one body.
Largest amounts of belly cheese eaten in one sitting.
Largest pile of cow pies sat in.
Highest amount of failed dates.

Your Luck May be Bad When...

...the girl you've been dating turns out to be a ex-con named Fred.
...instead of getting a prize in your cracker jack box you get Anthrax.
...you accidentally set your wife on fire at the wedding when you put the ring on her finger.
...you are allergic to anything white.
...your fortune cookie was blank.
...being your own boss got you fired.
...the automatic door at the supermarket breaks your leg every time you walk through it.
...psychics avoid you.
...the frog you dissected in high school sublimated before you even had the chance to touch it.
...you work at a ladder factory,inspecting the undersides.
...people just won't stop chloroforming you.
...your copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says "GO AHEAD. PANIC. YOU'RE SCREWED ANYWAY." in large friendly letters on the cover.
...whenever you think "It can't possibly be worse" nothing worse happens because it really IS as bad as it gets.
... you don't live life in the fast lane, you're in the oncoming traffic.