Toothpaste

What is toothpaste? This is a question that has plagued humanity for countless generations. Where did it come from? Where is it going? Well in my quest for ever-increasing knowledge I did something unprecedented in the history of the Encyclopedia.

I actually researched for an article.

Now now, don’t worry, just because I actually went out and tried to find legitimate information about toothpaste doesn’t mean this article is going to be actually informative. In fact, it will probably be even less informative.

In any case, I grabbed my little barrel of Crest Tartar Control Whitening plus SCOPE flavor.

The first thing I think when I see this is, “Who the heck cares about scope flavor? Scope is mouth wash. Nobody uses it because they like how good it tastes, they use it because it cleans their mouth.” Now of course the real reason they mention Scope flavor is because it says “SCOPE” in really big letters and “Flavor” in tiny letters below it. They just hope you’ll see “SCOPE” and think “AWESOME!” I admit it actually worked on me until I bothered to take a closer look at my toothpaste barrel. Thankfully, or maybe tragically, they seem to have omitted the “flavor” label in updated versions of the paste. Does this mean it is formulated differently? Of course not.

The active ingredient is Sodium Fluoride. This probably causes cancer. Everything causes cancer, if you eat enough of it. Paint chips, poison dart frogs, and that cotton candy that people use to insulate their homes all cause cancer if you consume enough of it. Just breathing will eventually give you cancer. So we need not worry about Sodium Fluoride. It’s just hearkening the inevitable.

Now here comes the interesting part. The inactive ingredients. Although they swear all these things don’t do anything I think there’s more to it than just making the toothpaste seem more full.

Sorbitol: Despite sounding like a prescription drug, Sorbitol is actually a sweetener. If it were an actual prescription drug they wouldn’t let you just buy however much you want of it in toothpaste. Unless they made an over-the-counter version, but then they’d call it something like Sorbitol BD.
Water: These people must realize that most of us brush our teeth with water, so it’s not particularly necessary to have water in the toothpaste as well. Oh well, if they want water, we get water.
Silica: There’s a more common term for Silica that you may recognize. It’s SAND. Sure, maybe silica is a bit less coarse than sand, but do we really need sand in our toothpaste? For all we know we might be brushing out teeth with ground-up motherboards. Or deserts.
Cellulose: Talk about inexplicable. This is the same stuff that makes legs look all nasty! And we’re willingly rubbing it into our mouths after every meal! What’s wrong with the world? Unless of course we’re dealing more with the “what trees are made out of” category, which is still downright creepy.
Tetrapotassium Pyrophosphate: I did a little research on this interesting little molecule. Well guess what? It’s the active ingredient in Armor All Auto Cleaner. ARMOR ALL AUTO CLEANER. THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT.Although according to Crest, it’s somehow inactive in this toothpaste. It’s one of those smart molecules, that can tell the difference between a dashboard and a molar, the difference between a steering wheel and a bicuspid. Thank goodness for modern technology. Although I guess now I know why we’re not supposed to swallow toothpaste. We’ll end up with a shiny colon that looks like new.
Tetrasodium Pyrophosphate: This ingredient makes more sense to be in toothpaste, actually. This is the stuff that gets rid of tartar. It’s also an ingredient in chicken nuggets, to help bind the “meat” together. Yummy. I still don’t understand how they expect us to believe this is an inactive ingredient when it’s quite obvious it serves a distinct tartar-fighting purpose.
Glycerin: Here’s one that requires no research on my part. Glycerin is a common substance used as a base for pastes and lotions. It’s used a lot in soaps because things tend to dissolve in it better than in water and alcohol. So in toothpaste is a fairly logical place to find it. No, it’s not explosive like Nitroglycerin. You’d have to be The Professor to be able to make a bomb out of your toothpaste.
Sodium lauryl sulfate: Next time you brush your teeth, remember that you’re spreading a regulated pesticide in your mouth. It can cause allergic reactions and hair loss. It’s the main ingredient in lots of shampoos. Although it’s not officially a carcinogen, everyone who knows knows it makes you more cancerous than Timmy the Talking Tumor’s malignant brother.
Flavor: This must be the oft-talked about Scope Flavor we’ve heard so much about. Boy! I’m so glad my toothpaste has all the flavor power of Scope mouth wash! What would I do without it? It so enriches my life!
Cellulose Gum: Crest tried to market a line of chewing gums made from the stuff that makes your legs look nasty a few years back. Obviously it failed. So to get some of their money back they’re slowly kneading all the gum into their toothpastes. Icky.
Sodium Saccharin: Another low-calorie sweetener. However unlike Sorbitol this stuff has been proven to cause cancer in lab animals. Good thing we spread this stuff all over our teeth every day.
Xanthan Gum: The Xanthan people lived in peace and solitude high in the Himalayan mountains until the evil British explorers sacked it in search of the legendary Treasure of the Xanthan. They did not find gold, or precious stones, but instead a REALLY BIG molecular formula for a substance used to control how thick you want your gel to be. They were disappointed to say the least. So to make up for the lack of treasure they burned the Xanthan city to the ground and scattered the Xanthan people to the four winds. Such is life.
Titanium Dioxide: You know how iron gets all rusty over time? That’s oxygen binding with the iron atoms to form Iron Oxide. Guess what? This stuff is Titanium Rust. Although to be honest not all metal oxides are as annoying as Iron Oxide, it’s still disconcerting to know we use it for the other use. All it does in toothpaste is make things white. As a little aside, any painter familiar with Titanium White would be thrilled to know it’s the same Titanium Oxide that gives their paint its colorlessness. This is probably where the “Whitening” aspect of my toothpaste comes in as well. Icky.

Well, there you have it. That’s what’s in my toothpaste. I hope I’ve somehow made a bunch of boring ingredients seem interesting and humorous. I still don’t know if I can get over the whole armor all thing. I’d be much happier if my toothpaste bore a big red label that said: “WARNING: ARMOR ALL”