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Few things that don't exist cause as much discord as Economics. You have something, I want it. I have something, you want it. How do I get your thing? How do I keep you from getting mine? This conflict has caused more pain and anguish to humanity than even the toughest heat-sealed plastic clamshell packaging. The most common resolution is the same, though: screaming, sharp objects, and blood.

What if there was a less violent way to open blister packs, though? And a less violent way of everyone getting what we want? It sounds Ludacris, but it's actually quite simple. You see, you may have noticed a certain symmetry in the quandary I presented. In other words, we each have something to bring to the bargaining table. You want my thing, so my thing has worth, and we can work with that. I give you my thing, you give me yours, and maybe we're both happy.

In an instant, Economy is born. It's not much, sadly, but people are pretty creative. Let's say instead of a thing, I give you a service in exchange for goods. I become an employee. What if we get sick of bartering with goods, and instead trade something symbolic of worth, which can then be exchanged for other goods and services later on? Now we're getting to the root of it.

Money became one of the top goals of pretty much everyone, and the Economy was born. Things got worse when people figured out that you can make money just by manipulating money. This drove a stake between these people and people that make their money the proper way: inheritance. Let us take a closer look at these sorts of people.

These Sorts of People

Merchants

In ancient Japan, the merchant class was the lowest tier, sort of a mix between an entrepreneur and a hobo. The Japanese had a natural distaste for people that made money without working for it, and rightly so. These guys were made rich merely by buying things and then selling them for more money. Anyone could do that! To make it worse, these disgusting folks were often more rich than the Samurai! The only thing worse than thinking you're better than a Samurai is proving it with money. This probably applies to merchants today somehow.

Stockbrokers

You can look at stockbrokers yelling in their exchange. Their profession is based on the concept of sharing, so why are they so loud and angry? What are they even doing? They ask themselves the same question. It used to be that these gentlemen carried out the trading of other gentlemen who may or may not have been engaged in questionable practices that led directly to the 1929 stock market crash and subsequent Great Depression. Nowadays, stockbrokers mostly do the bidding of smelly day traders in their bathrobe or worse, or alternately with gentlemen that are still attempting to engage in practices likely to lead to a new crash and great depression.

Lawyers

Shows like Law and Order and Matlock have done incredible things for lawyer public relations, but there's more to law than criminal law. Turns out, there's business law and patent law and tax law and more, all of which are closely tied in to economics. Money does weird things to people, like make them go to court with each other because one device looks too much like another device, or write vast tomes of obscure rules to try to close tax loopholes. The only people that win in these ridiculous battles are the lawyers.

Politicians

Are you starting to see a trend? All the most despicable professions have ties to economics. These people who make money with money want to keep doing so, and the quickest way to make them stop is to make it illegal, which some countries have done. The only way to prevent this is to convince politicians that there's nothing wrong with triple compound interest. Luckily for these economists, money is very persuasive, so it's relatively easy to keep things the way they are.

The Flaws of a Reserve System

"But what does this have to do with Economics?" you ask. Absolutely nothing, of course. It's all just rambling. Anyway, look where we are now. We have these greenish pieces of paper and metal disks serving a vital role in society. Nobody wants these papers or disks, they want what they represent: value. Value that can be manipulated directly or used to purchase goods and services. This It's generally a simpler form of currency than, say, pigs, but sadly this form fails in one vital area: it lacks intrinsic value.

"That's all well and good," you say, "but this article is about economics, not money." Well, my impatient reader, the major flaw of having green pieces of paper as a currency is it lacks intrinsic value. The only reason anyone accepts it as valuable is because everyone accepts it as valuable. If ever there were an economic collapse, every green piece of paper on earth would no longer be taken for valued. This would make many rich people very angry. However, if these rich people had kept their fortunes in something more intrinsically valuable, such as pigs, they would never have to worry.

Things are getting worse all the time. Now it's gotten to the point where using real pieces of paper, which while still worthless are at least solid, people are using credit cards and electronic funds transfers. This isn't an economic system anymore, it's a video game! How can electrons have intrinsic value? They don't even use more electrons to send larger amounts of money! The mind boggles.

The Pork Standard

There are things to be said for pigs as currency. They're more portable than cows, and more stable than chickens. Imagine the implications of a pig-based economy. Breeding would be investing. "Filthy Rich" would take on a much more literal meaning, as would "Bringing home the bacon".

I know you've pretty much given up on this article making any sense, but hear me out. Of course people wouldn't actually tote around pigs and trade them. Good heavens no. I don't recall many people toting around gold when America was still on the Gold Standard. Nah, we'd have paper money just like before. Federal Pork Notes, we could call them. However, if you felt so inclined you could go to a bank and be able to exchange this for a pig or a portion of said pig. The upside of this is that given an economic collapse piggy banks would still have their pig vaults and would still exchange pigs for your pieces of paper, so the rich remain happy.

I suppose you people are wondering why I don't advocate a more conventional form of currency, such as gold or sterling silver. Why, that's simple. I'm sick of them. Civilization has been using them for thousands of years and they've never done us a lick of good. So, forget silly metals and try something new, that's what I say! So, I figure the economy's going to collapse eventually, so why not do it in a new, exciting way that may or may not have to do with pigs?

This is Why Not

Pigs are smelly, rotten creatures!

How will the government control the value of the pig if everyone can make as many pigs as they want?

One of the qualities of a good currency is longevity. Pigs aren’t exactly the longest-lasting thing on earth.

You’re an idiot.

With the ruthless logical Visigoths vanquished, I turn to restful slumber.