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"Fluffing the Garfield" since 1987. "Impossible" is a mistake. It's actually supposed to be "I'm possible." "Overwhelmingly Mexican migrant workers in the far west." - History book "They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That's nothing, because if you play it forwards it installs Windows." A bird in the hand is worth a thousand words. A bird up the nose is worth practically nothing in the bush. A genius in the hand will bite you. A Lady should be like a good hammer. She should be the right weight, be comfortable to hold, and a delight to pound. A hairy neck brings good fortune but little love. A man with belly cheese in the wrong place is not to be trusted. A man's home is a house. A penny saved only adds weight. A picture is worth two in the bush. A pool and your money are soon joined. A stomach full of digested rats means good fortune in your future. A winner is you. A winner never quits, a quitter never wins, and those in between are in trouble. A wise man always has two wives. Alcohol: The cause of and solution to all of life's problems. All your base are belong to us! Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "The Truck!" Always treat a sack of flour like a real child. An enemy is just a friend who is trying to kill you. Ask again later. Beware the day the chalk strikes 13. Beware the fingers that smell like poop. Beware the man with belly cheese in his hair. Big Brother is watching you. C: A language combining the flexibility of assembly with the power of assembly. Catsup is not a viable means of transportation. Computers are Satan's progeny, avoid them at all costs. Do not kiss a gift horse on the mouth. Do not leave your flour child alone. Don't break your only pencil. Don't call it "Marriage" call it "Patience". It's less misleading. DON'T EAT ME!! AUGGHH!!!!! Don't forget a small part in 'Brazil'. Don't invent things that have already been thought of. DON'T PANIC. Fecal Greaseballs FISH HEADS FISH HEADS ROLY POLY FISH HEADS FISH HEADS FISH HEADS EAT EM UP YUM! Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it. Good deed for the day: Shoplifting. Great Green Gobs of Greasy, Grimy, Gopher Guts Hace viento. He who drinks his coffee black has a name. He who hesitates is probably in the wrong line. He who hesitates pees outside. He who lives in glass house should dress in basement. She who stands on toilet is high on pot. Heroin is my Anti-Drug. ...Er, never mind. I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is patable. I don't like brussel's sprouts! I'm Guybrush Threepwood: Software Pirate! I've got a bad feeling about this. If 2 + 2 = 4, and 4 + 4 = 8, then 2 + 4 = 13 If I were a moose and you were a duck and we had a child, it would be a Moose-duck. It would go "MWACK!" If the sky is plaid, running won't do you any good. If you have a question, ask the infinite monkeys. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. In an infinite universe, everything that can happen will happen. Insomnia is my Anti-Drug It's always in the last place you look. It's not rocket surgery. It's brain science. It's your own fault when the potatoes suck your blood. j00 h4v3 b33n h4x0rd!!! Just remember: It could be worse. Keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times. Lift up the seat before you leap. Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetical as it may seem at first. LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! Look, would it save you all this trouble if I just went mad now? Marriage is an institution to be endured. More fun than shooting monkeys in a barrel Never bite the hand that has your allowance in it. Nobody writes jokes in base 13. One man's meat is another man's loincloth. Our sources say yes. Pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey you’ve got a steering wheel in your crotch.” The pirate says “Arrrr it’s driving me nuts.” Pork: The One You Love. Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by attacking back. Radio Shack: You got questions, we got blank stares. Remember: when entertaining a midget, always bring the right size chairs. So I'm a masochist on a diet, am I? So long and thanks for all the fish. Sometimes kneeling and punching will get things moving. Stop flicking semis at me. Strawberry Pop Tarts may be a cheap and inexpensive source of incendiary devices. T-shirt coming soon. That tree isn't trying to kill you. That wasn't chicken. The answer to life, the universe, and everything is "42" The best present of all comes from the torso. The ceiling tiles will be with you. Always. The chicken came first. The early bird gets nothing, because the worm isn't awake yet. The gay fish is in the middle. The Incomprehensible / Strategy + Creativity = Digital Perception The killer in Scream 3 is the movie writer. The General Tso's Chicken is poisoned! The question of life, the universe, and everything is "What is six times nine?" The road to Hell is paved with the souls of the innocent. The trouble with troubleshooting is that trouble sometimes shoots back. There is no place like 127.0.0.1 There is nothing worse than a depressed robot. There's coincidences in your future if your name is Christopher Owen. There's love in your future... or past. This is my comic. Is it not nifty? Worship the comic. This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic. This space intentionally left blank. To find the answer to your question, ask the striped camel. Tupperware tubs have poor aerodynamics. Unless you want a world where Keanu Reeves obtains GODLIKE POWER the Laws of Robotics are a good thing. When feeding chili to Andy, supply much beano. When in doubt, ask Steve. When in doubt, say "Borange" When in doubt, start making commentaries on the chat shows. When Insane, do as the sane people do. When saluting Steve, remember he's afraid of hands. When searching for roadkill, get the freshest kind. You are about a minus ten on the fun scale. You are at The Encyclopedia of Pointless. Isn't that just lovely? You are what you eat. You don't have to be pointless to work here, but it helps! You don't need to have any sort of skill to work here, but it helps! You have one week to live. You may think I know the answers, but they're actually inside tim all along. You will be the best. You will never get the Moon's autograph. You're as stimulating as a lionfish in a kiddy pool. Your birthday just means you're one measly day older. Your feelings about squid are only natural. Don't sweat it. Your life will be met with success and failure. Mental not hocus. Health not pocus.