Count the pieces

You have decided to count the pieces of puppy, a bloody and thankless task. And yet, as you wade through the gore and intestinal flotsam, you realize that it is exactly this that you have wanted to do ever since you were a frog torturing little girl in college. You take to the streets with this new found knowledge, and get flattened by a herd of 1 ton tortoises. Well, you never were very fast. . .